Trigger warning: You may want to skip the first section on Pregnancy Loss, where I detail my personal experience of miscarriage.

Those three words have been difficult to write. They conjure up a multitude of emotions and memories. It's been an incredibly difficult experience to articulate, but I really want to share my coping mechanisims in the hope it might help at least one other.

Pregnancy Loss

The dreaded 'm' word. The word we're all hyper sensitive to during those first 12 weeks. I'd read the stats online, I knew the chances, but it still came as a deep shock to both of us when I realised I was having a miscarriage. I felt stupid for not knowing sooner. For not recognising the signs.

I felt angry that my body had let me down (or perhaps that I had let my body down). I was confused as to why this had happened, knowing I had previously had a successful pregnancy.

I felt naive for getting ahead of myself and planning when to go on maternity leave.

I felt shame in having to tell our friends and family, because we had giddily told them our exciting pregnancy news too early.

11 weeks is a difficult time to find out. We were days away from our 12 week scan, but instead, I had an intrusive internal scan to understand what was going on. Weeks of utter turmoil followed. I bled heavily, passing large clots. I felt like a teenager again, wearing huge sanitary towels like I had just started my periods. I was too afraid to leave the house in case it got worse. Frustratingly a second scan a week later, showed I still had more to pass, and with it came another week of torment. At it's peak, I experienced what can only be described as mild contractions. Things got very scary when I began losing what felt like oto much blood. I was not only soaking through sanitary towels, but through bath towels too! My partner was frantically reading information on the NHS website, and was close to calling an ambulance. But thankfully the pain eased just as quickly as it came on. My body did what it needed to, and finally two weeks later I had a negative pregnancy test result. It was over.

Then came the overwhelming feeling of relief, that the physical side was behind me. But then an incredible feeling of utter sadness. Of emptiness.

Coping with Loss

The one thing I found that helped me navigate my feelings, was opening up and talking to others who had experienced similar. I realise it's an incredibly difficult and personal thing to talk about. So it won't be for everyone. But I took a great deal of comfort in knowing I wasn't alone.

I shared our loss on social media and was inundated with messages of love and support, which was wonderful. But the thing I found most helpful, was hearing from others who had also experienced miscarriage. Especially those who had miscarried with their second or third pregnancy. They helped guide me through a difficult few weeks and they continued to check in weeks and even months later. Complete strangers in many cases. I'll always be grateful for those women.

My partner was my rock throughout. He cared for me, listened to me, and supported me. I imagine it’s difficult for many men to navigate. Whilst they feel sadness, there is a disconnect when it’s not happening to them physically. Women naturally feel more attached to their unborn child from the moment their body begins to change. Whilst many men don’t feel that same connection until their baby begins to move, or much later when their baby is born. So for many, it must be hard to know what to do or say for the best. Which is why, just being there, physically and emotionally, is what I found most helpful. Being a sounding board, but also being open about his feelings too.

Being parents is a partnership. We must support each other through the good and the bad.

MOVING ON

We’re all affected by trauma differently. There is no right or wrong amount of time before trying again. For some it may take months, if not years before they’re ready. For me, I knew I wanted to try again as soon as possible.

I fell pregnant very soon after. Seeing the line on the stick filled me with elation, but then the anxiety set in. What if the same would happen again? I spent many nights Googling the probability of experience 2 losses back to back. What should’ve been a celebration, really didn’t feel like one.

I was offered a scan at 7 weeks, which I agreed to immediately. Whilst I knew I wasn’t completely out of the woods, it did provide some relief to know there was a heartbeat this time. I still worried like mad for the following 5 weeks, and we didn’t tell anyone this time around. I remember walking to our 12 week appointment, my legs felt like jelly. I thought I was going to be sick. I had never been more nervous. And then all our dreams came true, the heartbeat was strong and there was our little bean.

We allowed ourselves to be happy, to celebrate and to tell those closest to us. As the weeks progressed, we slowly told more people, but I suffered a lot of bleeding in those early months. So it was a slow and difficult process for us this time around. It was probably at the mid-way point when I felt I could finally breathe. My bleeding had stopped and I felt a lot of movement at the time, so I finally let go of all my anxiety and began to embrace the fact we would be parents for a second time.

At 20 weeks, I bought a little gift for baby, to make it feel more real. And from that point on, I embraced every aspect of pregnancy. In fact, I went on to enjoy my pregnancy much more than I had first time around. I felt in awe of my body, choosing to wear tighter fitting clothes to show off my growing bump. I felt a deeper connection to baby too, noticing the signs of movement earlier, their hiccups and their flailing limbs jabbing me at all angles.

It was a truly magical few months and at the end of it, at 41 weeks, we were blessed with a baby girl. One of each. Our dreams came true.

LOOKING BACK

Despite falling pregnant again and going on to have the most wonderful little girl, you don’t forget. The month I should’ve given birth was tough. As was what should’ve been their first birthday. But I’ll always remember what one of the women from social media said - if we hadn’t experienced that loss, we would never have met our baby girl. It’s always stuck with me.

Whilst I wouldn’t wish miscarriage on anyone, our path led to us having the most beautiful daughter, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.